According to a 2022 YouGov survey, 49% of people in the US label themselves as “people pleasers.” Unfortunately, this need to please will hamstring one’s effectiveness in the workplace, especially leaders.
People-pleasing does not spring from authenticity or love. Rather, its roots are in a fear of rejection, low self-worth, weak boundaries, and a desire to avoid conflict.
Those who fall prey to people pleasing can waste valuable resources, hinder productivity, make poor decisions, and even cause others harm. Dr. Mike Merrill, co-author of “Leadership is Overcoming the Natural: 52 Maxims to Move Beyond Instinct,” offers three tips to enable managers and supervisors to adjust their leadership philosophy and overcome their people-pleasing tendencies.
Overcome people pleasing with a leadership mindset that channels energy in the right direction
Dr. Merrill took one of his first lessons in people pleasing from his early days serving in a small rural hospital. Because of the hospital’s remote location, certain patients mistakenly assumed he was less competent than physicians in larger cities.
“As a younger doctor, I spent far too much time and energy trying to assuage their concerns,” Dr. Merrill remembers. “I gave in-depth explanations of my education, work experience, and university tenure, but I found those efforts rarely yielded results. Later, I learned to introduce myself and my experience in a few sentences and then get down to work. If the patient or family still lacked confidence in my ability, I suggested they transfer to a hospital where they felt more comfortable.”
People pleasers have the unfortunate tendency to spend most of their time trying to please others who will simply never be happy with their efforts. This focus on the 2% to 3% of the population that is the most miserable is akin to banging their heads against a brick wall as they strive to earn approval and satisfaction from those who consistently disagree, criticize, and grumble.
“These are the last individuals you should invest most of your time and energy into,” says Dr. Merrill. “You will never win over someone who thrives on being miserable.”
Instead of putting energy into the people who cannot be pleased, Dr. Merrill advises people to channel their efforts into people who are engaged, respectful, and positive. “People who seek out challenges, ask insightful questions, enjoy collaboration, achieve their goals, and attempt to grow professionally are the people who will benefit from your attention. Learn to focus most of your energy in their direction.”
Overcome people pleasing with a leadership mindset that makes people happy in appropriate ways
The desire to make people happy in the workplace is not necessarily a negative sentiment in and of itself. Every leader hopes for a team of engaged and enthusiastic employees, but many people attempt to please those around them in inappropriate ways.
When supervisors and managers make an effort to please their subordinates in the workplace, it often backfires. “Many new leaders and managers make the mistake of trying to win over their direct reports by giving them leeway to slack on goals and deadlines,” explains Dr. Merrill. “They believe that a permissive culture will foster a positive environment and boost productivity, when in fact, the opposite is the case. By pleasing the employees who want to dodge responsibilities and skirt objectives, you alienate your team’s high achievers. Those are the people who empower you to succeed.”
Instead of trying to please all direct reports the same way, Dr. Merrill advises workplace leaders to coach low achievers until they either step up their game or find a new line of work. To keep top performers engaged and happy, he recommends mentoring them into their next position and taking time to ensure they are confident in their roles. He also suggests offering ways they can develop new skills, entrusting them with challenging assignments, publicly acknowledging their hard work, and privately providing constructive feedback.
Overcome people pleasing with a leadership mindset that enables you to be direct
Even as a young boy, Dr. Merrill remembers picking up the unsavory habit of telling people what they wanted to hear. “I learned to say things that were nice but not entirely accurate,” he says. “When people asked me difficult or uncomfortable questions, I spared their feelings with an answer that temporarily glossed over the situation.”
Dr. Merrill eventually discovered two major flaws in this form of people-pleasing. First, he discovered that in hiding the truth, people are more concerned with protecting their comfort than the people they think they are shielding.
“Ultimately, I came to understand that I was the one who was most uncomfortable with the truth,” Dr. Merrill recalls. “My insecurity about being honest made me realize I needed to work on being more direct and forthright. Instead of protecting myself from how I imagined people would react, I decided to start allowing them to own their reaction.”
The second mistake in trying to please people with indirect answers comes when people assume they are doing people a favor by protecting them from the truth. “It’s never a kindness or a service to shield oneself or others from the truth,” Dr. Merrill explains. “A true friend will tell you the things you need to hear. In the same way, a supervisor needs to be able to point out an employee’s areas of weakness and empower them to grow.”
While delivery and tone are important, Dr. Merrill notes that what matters most is getting to the heart of the subject and stating the facts. Protecting people from the truth sets them up to be blindsided by humiliation and failure, but sharing the truth prepares them to meet upcoming challenges and succeed.
“Finding the courage to tell someone what other people are keeping to themselves is an act of compassion,” Dr. Merrill says. “We show a lack of concern when we have solutions but do nothing to assist someone who is struggling.”
By consistently integrating these three strategies, leaders can start to break their people-pleasing habits. “People pleasing may seem innocent on the surface, but it can come with serious costs,” concludes Dr. Merrill, “so always check your motivation before attempting to make people happy. People pleasing will always hold you back as a leader and do your followers more harm than good.”
