The new social distancing norm has kept many apart from their loved ones for months. New trends arose during the pandemic: Netflix parties, long video calls, TikTok collaborations and so on were popularized in an attempt to remain connected amidst all this disconnect.
But what about those confined indoors under the same roof?
Couples – particularly married ones – have faced increasing difficulty in their relationships during the pandemic. The reason behind this may seem pretty obvious to many of us: imagine being cooped up in the same space for days without end, constantly having to put up with the other person’s flaws and habits.
Dr Rebecca Baum, president of the International Association of Marriage and Family Counselors, reports: “Usually, most of my clients are individuals. Since the start of lockdown, there’s been a noticeable shift. The majority of enquiries have been from couples.”
Why the Friction?
“The biggest thing I hear is about couples arguing about the new division of labor in the house,” says Florida-based psychotherapist Dr Marni Feuerman.
This might strike a chord with parents who particularly have to juggle working from home with the care of their children. But this dilemma isn’t exclusive only to parents.
Baba Richard, the other half of the Infinite Couple, a couple dedicated to the business of helping other couples succeed in their relationships through the focus of marriage, business, love, and sex, recognizes a driver behind this issue.
“Too many people let their lives get in the way of happiness,” he says. “Saying to themselves, ‘When I’m making enough money after I get my degree, when I get over the next horizon, then it’s going to happen for me.’”
Baba Richard and Sri Namaste Moore firmly believe in the fact that the masculine and feminine aspects of a relationship shouldn’t clash – instead, both should complement each other.
Namaste claims, “There’s no competition between the masculine and the feminine, only a misunderstanding of each other’s roles and position. We really believe that the masculine and the feminine bring their best selves forward when they recognize what the other brings to the table, and when they highlight their diversity and not try to rub each other out into sameness or homogeneity.”
This may seem too idealistic to be true, but the fact of the matter is that no successful relationship exists without a healthy balance of give and take. The pandemic has actually provided many couples all over the world the opportunity to overcome the initial friction of living so closely together for an extended period of time.
Several couples have reported that in the beginning, the bickering and arguments certainly increased. It was extremely hard for many to deal with their significant other, with the pressure of living during a pandemic looming over their heads each day.
But over time, many couples have found that the lockdown provided a means to overcome their differences. Couples were able to spend more time together. People tried to find new, creative ways to spend their free time.
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!
One of the primary concerns couples may have is whether or not they’ll be able to put up with each other in the first place. The fact of the matter is that this isn’t an impossible feat.
First of all, communication is key. Namaste says: “The solution is understanding the language that is being spoken and what it means instead of projecting onto it, [implementing] what you think it means.”
True communication lies in the spirit of trying to understand each other on a fundamental level.
“It’s not simply talking,” Richard states. “The majority of communication is more than the words that are said: it’s the tone, body language, behavior, and presence.”
Of course, this isn’t something that people are expected to naturally become experts in. If children have to be taught to have good manners, then adults can be taught to communicate their feelings and beliefs in a healthy, responsible manner. Everything takes practice.
Recentering Our Lives Around What Matters
Hong Kong-based clinical psychologist, Sharmeen Shroff, told BBC Future that the pandemic has, despite its challenges, presented many with the chance to review their relationships. People can now seize the opportunity to take the time to re-evaluate where their relationships are going, to rebuild bridges.
And indeed, perhaps this is the time for us to make lemonade out of lemons. To rekindle that spark that has dimmed over time due to the mundanity of everyday life and its pressures.
This isn’t easy. Some couples may need a little more than a discussion to help their relationship flourish once again.
That’s where the help of psychologists and relationship experts come into play. Thomas Bradbury, a clinical psychologist at the University of California, expressed that even though a couple may ordinarily get along with each other just fine, the stress of dealing with a pandemic may eat away at even the most stable relationships.
The first step is to recognize that you want to place greater priority on your relationship. The second step is to, of course, get help.
Dr Lexx Brown-James, a sexologist and therapist specializing in marriage and family in St Louis, claimed, “All the therapists and sexologists I know who do relationships have been booked and busy since last March.”
The Infinite Couple are also well-prepared to help their clients navigate their relationships through this pandemic.
“What we teach [our clients] to do is to flip that telescope all the way around and make [their relationship] a singular focus. We teach them to make this the most important thing, and from this, all of the things you’re trying to accomplish becomes so much easier. When you have this dynamic, sustainable, juicy, effervescent, love-filled relationship, that’s where it all happens,” Richard says.
Love in the time of coronavirus has indeed brought with it many concerns. But many people are discovering that perhaps, it’s time to take control of their lives and relationships.
